embraced by you

snowy mountain

A few weeks after you died, I was invited to go to the top of the mountain where I had never been. I concurred.
The night before we were to drive, however, I started to panic. My heart was racing, anxiety inside me churned, and I paced in my pajamas, thinking, ” I can’t go. You are not with me. I haven’t been any new place without you.”
I felt nervous and considered of cancelling the trip when I spotted the black box that held your ashes.
“Ah, I just take you with me.”
I poured some of your ashes into a small pill container, deposited it in my purse and went to bed. I felt calm. Everything was going to be okay.
Next morning, as we were driving, I confessed to everybody that I had your ashes with me.
“I hope you are okay with it and don’t think I’m too weird.”
They all smiled, and I was relieved.
It was windy once we arrived at the top. It might have been because of high altitude and thin air, but I felt serene and closer to where you were. I took the container out, opened the lid and tilted it. Particles dispersed. I cried, of course. I cried a lot then.

I let a small part of you go that day.

When I drive to town now and see the top of the mountain on clear days, I know you are watching over me, making sure the road ahead is safe.


10 Comments Add yours

  1. livingonchi says:

    There’s such amazing love in your memories. A person would be so lucky to have someone love them that much.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sam Rappaz says:

    Wow hon… that made me tear up. Hugs. Such a strong image of true love and real loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nelkumi says:

      Thank you, Sam.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Riccardo says:

    Touching vignette. Thank you for sharing Nelkumi-san.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for a beautiful moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Raspberry says:

    You took a big step, that is very brave!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:

    A very beautiful, expressive, and deeply personal story about love, life, death and loss told by a talented writer of inner poetry. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nelkumi says:

      Wow… Thank you.


  7. I found you through An Upturned Soul. You have communicated your loss so beautifully, movingly.

    Liked by 1 person

Please leave a message. ご意見、ご感想、お願いします。

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s