living in the jungle

It has been two and a half years since my husband died, and it still gave me a pang walking into the Home Depot store yesterday. We used to go there often. My husband and I.
Being surrounded by all the people who were at the store and looking for things that I needed to get, I got lonely. I hurriedly left the store after grabbing and paying for WD-40 cans at the self-check out. I needed to get something else, but didn’t feel like walking around or asking for help.

The feeling of loneliness overwhelms me when I reminisce about our life.

For the very first time, I am living by myself, alone. I met my husband just when I was starting to get my place and settle for my life, and soon became a wife. Before that, I was the oldest sister to my siblings and a daughter to my parents. I still am but haven’t had to live up to the status every day.
When I left my last job, for the first couple of weeks, I felt agitated. Workplaces and schools automatically give you places of socializing. When I lost that, I panicked. Only moving beings around me were my two dogs.
Though my dogs give me the sense of companionship and unconditional love (and, yes, they do try so hard to understand when I talk to them), I miss the company, laughs and talks. There are so many unknowns ahead and around. And, I have nobody to talk to or to consult with. All decisions depend on me.

I am getting used to being alone by now. I do get lonely, but am comfortable.
Can somebody get addicted to a solitude?
I just need to empower myself not to become a crazy, anti-social, unkempt, middle-aged lady in the jungle…

 

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Cut Off.”

“When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?”

 

 

 

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. Good for you for starting this blog! It’s great to read your daily thoughts. You only THINK you are alone. In actuality, there are a number of concerned people lurking around the periphery of your life. I am one of them. I know it’s not the same as living with someone. Or going to work and having all your co-workers there. But if you ever wonder if anyone out there cares about you … if you ever wonder whether there is anyone you could call at 4AM because you feel like you might be going nuts and need a reality check — the answer is YES! Thinking of you every day… .

    Liked by 3 people

  2. livingonchi says:

    I felt the same way when I left my job. I was so worried because it was the only socialization I had in my life. I’m not my husband. He will find ways to socialize, he loves being on the run from activity to activity. I miss the socializing of work. But I’m even more ready to create a new life, and so it’s a life adjustment for me. Having the Internet always gives me venues for socializing when I want, so I feel like I get socialization without having to give up my time to just be in the quiet, thinking about the meaning of life. That sounds a bit tacky, but it’s true :p

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nelkumi says:

      I don’t think it’s tacky…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Funny. Two years ago, I joined The Captain on our sailing boat and we’ve been together 24×7 ever since. Before that, I spent a great deal of time alone. I’ve been missing my alone time a lot lately but your words have reminded me that I am also lucky to have this ‘never alone’ period in my life too. But balance between alone and not alone would be lovely too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. nelkumi says:

      We want what we no longer have, I suppose…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. butchcountry67 says:

    I understand the loneliness , though it has just been a month for me, I am oh so lonely without her, I get teary eyed when I’m thinking of her, like now, even though I have our 13 year old son, a big dog and 5 cats, I still very alone, I don’t socialise with my friends as much as I should perhaps.
    I do understand and if you ever need someone to sound off too, yell at or just talk, I’m always around , take care and I hope you have more happy moments than sad on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nelkumi says:

      Wishing best on your journey.

      Like

    2. Oh my. I too wish you best. Please don’t hold yourself to any schedule of expectations. One month is very fresh, and all “shoulds” are pointless. Just do what makes sense and feels right to you.

      Like

  5. Sam Rappaz says:

    Hope blogging is helping you feel less lonely.
    I think solitude can become addictive. I am presently on a solitude fix and I don’t know if it good or bad but it is what it is.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lingostir says:

    Before meeting my current partner, I had been alone for more than a decade. Living away from my folks, I’d gotten so used to it and come to like solitude, with my favorite music being sole solace. As some feedback comments already pointed out, I think you already have something you can turn to when faced with desperation. Even if not, I hope you can find real solace which enables you to overcome your sadness.
    Lingo-Field (Sendai, Miyagi, Japan)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. livingonchi says:

    “I just need to empower myself not to become a crazy, anti-social, unkempt, middle-aged lady in the jungle…” I just read that! Are you talking about me again? :p

    Liked by 1 person

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