three years of uncertainty

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That day, three years ago…

I didn’t see you take your last breath. I only realized that you weren’t breathing anymore. I waited and waited for you to breathe, and you never did. I had wished to witness the moment, to be there for you, with you.
Maybe, you didn’t want me to see it. I don’t know.

Many of your friends came by and surrounded me. It helped. Among all the chaos, commotions and emotions, whenever I had a quiet moment alone with you, I kissed you. On top of your head, on your cheek, on your hand, awash in tears, I repeated. And, I talked to you. It was the first time you didn’t say anything back.
Maybe, you were at last ready to listen. I don’t know.

When they took you away, it was late. I remember the lights of the hearse leaving, then, your friends’ cars. Two dogs remained with me in the house. The house that we purchased, fixed, and made our home, where our happiness and sorrow reside.
Maybe, you needed to leave me here. I don’t know.

 

And, today…

I only know that I missed you every day of the past three years.

Will you keep watching over me?
Will you keep appearing in my dreams?
Will you keep giving me the courage that I need?
Will you keep smiling when I look at your picture?
Will you keep telling my heart that I am not alone?
Will you be there waiting for me when my time comes?
I don’t know.
I just miss you.
I love you … forever.

 

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35 Comments Add yours

  1. Beautifully written, One of life’s most difficult moments so sorry for your loss. G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That was so touching…Words can’t be enough to express the feelings here.
    Much love,
    Zee ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ilargia64 says:

    I feel afraid of moments like that…Being left here, alone….

    Liked by 3 people

    1. nelkumi says:

      Internet certainly helps. Makes me feel connected. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. bacolewriter says:

      Nelkumi:
      This was a mesmerizing post. The words you used to end each of your pondering’s, “I don’t know” are both the question and answer of everyone who has lost a loved one. I lost my oldest son. Everyone tried to console me by saying that he was in a better place. I answered with, “How can there be a better place than here with his loving family?” Then it came to me, he was not in a better place, but he was in a good place and I understood that I would see him again one day when I too would go to that good place.
      Keep your mind and body according to God’s words and you will see her again, in that good place.

      bacolewriter@yahoo.com

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Joe cobden says:

    Thinking of you today. I don’t really know you, but I knew him a bit. He was a big hero for me. Made a real difference in my life and I am eternally grateful. I wish you warmth and lightness. Thanks very much for the beautiful post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. nelkumi says:

      Thank you for reading it and commenting.

      Like

  5. Dick Finkel says:

    Thank you for communicating. Passing time helps sooth the turmoil, but can never erase it. I hope you are well. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. nelkumi says:

      Thank you. Hugs back.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thoughts are with you today

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Paddy Bramwells says:

    Dear Kumi, that was beautifully put. I think of Robert often and miss him. So sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. luckyjc007 says:

    So touching and dear to the heart…expressed so well! So sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. andysmerdon says:

    Stay strong… we will keep listening

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Another friend of mine said recently of her father, who died a few years ago: “The longer he is gone, the more I miss him.” I’m sure that’s true for you as well.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Teresa says:

    My heart goes out to you with many many hugs…

    Liked by 3 people

  12. dunelight says:

    I am sorry for your loss. The pain remains forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. lghoelson says:

    Your words are like a beautiful song, my words can’t describe

    Liked by 3 people

    1. nelkumi says:

      Thank you. You are so kind.

      Like

  14. Dawn says:

    This is very heart rendering. I hope today was a good day. I’m very sorry for your extraordinary loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. What a powerful message you have written.

    Thanks a lot for liking my Odd Ball Challenge.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nelkumi says:

      Thank you for visiting and commenting.

      Like

  16. vronlacroix says:

    A beautiful prayer that your loved one surely answers.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Beautifully honest and mournful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. blkkat49 says:

    This is so sad and so beautifully written. It made me cry, but the wonderful words also made me smile. The strength of your love and the sharing of your sorrow are so moving. I enjoyed reading it, even as my heart went out to you for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. blkkat49 says:

    I also wanted to thank you for liking my ‘Cees Oddball’ posts.

    Liked by 1 person

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