three years of uncertainty



That day, three years ago…

I didn’t see you take your last breath. I only realized that you weren’t breathing anymore. I waited and waited for you to breathe, and you never did. I had wished to witness the moment, to be there for you, with you.
Maybe, you didn’t want me to see it. I don’t know.

Many of your friends came by and surrounded me. It helped. Among all the chaos, commotions and emotions, whenever I had a quiet moment alone with you, I kissed you. On top of your head, on your cheek, on your hand, awash in tears, I repeated. And, I talked to you. It was the first time you didn’t say anything back.
Maybe, you were at last ready to listen. I don’t know.

When they took you away, it was late. I remember the lights of the hearse leaving, then, your friends’ cars. Two dogs remained with me in the house. The house that we purchased, fixed, and made our home, where our happiness and sorrow reside.
Maybe, you needed to leave me here. I don’t know.


And, today…

I only know that I missed you every day of the past three years.

Will you keep watching over me?
Will you keep appearing in my dreams?
Will you keep giving me the courage that I need?
Will you keep smiling when I look at your picture?
Will you keep telling my heart that I am not alone?
Will you be there waiting for me when my time comes?
I don’t know.
I just miss you.
I love you … forever.



35 thoughts on “three years of uncertainty

    1. Nelkumi:
      This was a mesmerizing post. The words you used to end each of your pondering’s, “I don’t know” are both the question and answer of everyone who has lost a loved one. I lost my oldest son. Everyone tried to console me by saying that he was in a better place. I answered with, “How can there be a better place than here with his loving family?” Then it came to me, he was not in a better place, but he was in a good place and I understood that I would see him again one day when I too would go to that good place.
      Keep your mind and body according to God’s words and you will see her again, in that good place.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Thinking of you today. I don’t really know you, but I knew him a bit. He was a big hero for me. Made a real difference in my life and I am eternally grateful. I wish you warmth and lightness. Thanks very much for the beautiful post.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so sad and so beautifully written. It made me cry, but the wonderful words also made me smile. The strength of your love and the sharing of your sorrow are so moving. I enjoyed reading it, even as my heart went out to you for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

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