I lay on the bed and opened my eyes. It was still dark. I hadn’t had much sleep but got up.
I wished it had been a bad dream and everything was okay.
I knew it wasn’t and felt overwhelmed.
Once the sun was up, the personnel from the medical equipment company came to pick up the empty bed and the silent oxygen machine. After they left, friends took me to the mortuary to sign papers. I was forced back to reality.
Later that day, though, I stopped to wonder how the sun came up and people went on with their lives as if nothing had happened while my life had turned upside down. I felt alienated and isolated.
That was over four years ago.
Yesterday, I woke up with the similar anxiety and spent the whole day alone depressed. Not because I got what I didn’t want but because I saw the truth – we actually think that some deserve less.
I tried to stay positive; I read other people’s posts and even wrote some humorous pieces, though I felt turned off by my self-absorption and never clicked publish.
I am an optimist and believe that people are inherently good and there are no bad people. We all have sensitivity, empathy, ego and self-righteousness in us, and are capable of balancing them.
When our intellect cannot reason with the irrational, when humility and compassion cannot overcome egotism and bigotry, however, it scares and hurts me.
Why should I even try to comprehend?
Then, I realized that is the exact idea that drives animosity.
I looked at the clock, swept our hairs off the floor and walked the dogs.
I keep living.