“Are you doing okay?” The hand is caked with dirt and blood and smudged with sweat. You have been fighting alone and still take the time to offer your hand. No such hero is coming to rescue me in the jungle.   歯を食いしばって一人で戦っているのは君なのに。そんな君は、くたばっている僕に手を差し伸べる。   Continue reading hero

the abyss

  I am falling into an abyss of my sorrow, pain, and self-pity, which is so deep that I could not touch the bottom.     お姉ちゃんなんだから譲りなさいと言われた記憶はない。何かで数が足りなくなって辞退したら褒められたのだろうか。大抵余り物を手にする。その方が気が楽だ。負けたら悔しいと思うことはあっても、何としてでも何かを勝ち取ろうと思ったことがないし、そこまで欲しいと思ったものもない。あの夏の午後、進路選択の書類を学校から持って帰った私に、母が、私と弟両方を大学に行かせる余裕はないと告げた日も、母にこれ以上説明をさせてはいけないと、それだけだった。自分が大学に行くものだと信じて疑わずにいて本当はがっかりしていたとは、すぐには自分でも気づかなかった。未だに忘れられないってことは、よっぽど心残りや未練があるなと、今、苦笑する。     Continue reading the abyss

if you were here

  You would push me to keep going. You would assure me that I have “it,” That I have what it takes to make it. You would tell me I am doing What I’m meant to do, To be who I am, and to be true. You would…   綺麗な人が輝いて見えて、いいなと思う。ヒーローは偉いと感動するし、他人に甘えるのが上手な人は羨ましい。でも、どうして私にはできないんだろうと、考えない。ああ、やっぱりと、納得するだけ。     Continue reading if you were here

beauty and the beast

  She survived the darkness by hiding and believing that she was not good enough and ignored the sound. One day, a carriage stopped and waited patiently outside, and she lifted her head, mustering her courage, listened, and stood up on her feet. She took a step and another, then another, until she was in the sunlight, and onto the carriage, ushered by her own … Continue reading beauty and the beast

another day in paradise

  I am definitely feeling weird, confused. Not the same way I felt when I quit my job and became uninvolved, but something unsettling is stalking inside me. In the head, squiggly black lines scratch everywhere, bumping into each other, and make me get up and pace. My stomach feels nauseous, gooey stuff chugging. The hands itch, and legs jiggly. I am anxious. My dogs … Continue reading another day in paradise