Alternating between invincibility and fear. 手枷足枷を振り落とそうと足掻きながら生きている感じ。 他の人のようにならなきゃと必死だった。自分を大切に産んで育ててくれた親でさえも、他の人のやるようにやりなさいと言った。学校でもあまり目立たないように、真面目すぎず適当に面白い友達でいた。会社では、与えられた仕事をこなし、面倒な行事にも顔を出した。自分が誰だか分からなくなった。 Continue reading current state
I live on I’m-not-good-enough. Praise and validation stroke my ego and perplex me at the same time, making me wonder whether I might be, perchance, possibly, good enough. Continue reading good enough
“… I know what you must be thinking now. You’re asking yourself: What did we do wrong? How did we let this happen? Which one of us made him that way? I can’t answer that, Mama. In the long run, I guess I really don’t care. All I know is this: If you and Papa are responsible for the way I am, then I … Continue reading to all parents
Previously on part one, and now… I stopped by at a new store in town, checked their exotic merchandise, and picked up the usual: cleaning products, a box of cereal, a carton of milk, and bottles of wine. As I wandered, looking for the way to the cashier, bright colored fabrics allured me to stop. I moved forward and touched a plastic case with … Continue reading a fire horse – part two
Race, age, gender, those are something to define who I am but are not everything about me. My heart and head can decide. I have seen those words, highly sensitive and narcissist, in one sentence. 私がどこの何者かなんて、他人は理解できないままその人の常識で決めてしまうのだから、それに振り回されていたら、『私』がわからない。でも、自分で自分を理解することも不可能な気がする。男だから女だからと意識するような色気は、10代20代の頃はともかく、50歳を超えたら中性化するような気がする。人種は生まれ持った外見だから、大金持っていたら整形したりとかもできるだろうけど、そうじゃなかったらそれなりに受け入れないと仕方がない。自分で意識して変えられるのは、決められるのは、心と頭の中だけかもしれない。 Continue reading alter ego
I was 21 and had no prospect. I hated my job, my life. I felt trapped. I wanted to be somewhere else, someone else. I didn’t know what I wanted – no one asked me anyway. I just wondered, though, whether there was something out there for me. I submitted my resignation and left my job. That was thirty years ago. 最初に勤めた会社を三年で辞めたのは、もう三十年前だ。職種で選んだのではなく、その会社に就いた。自分は高卒女子という一番下の位から抜け出すことはないのだとわかった。何やってるんだ、私は、と、焦った。次々に結婚退職していく同期の娘達は皆年上だったが、羨ましかった。私も早く辞めたいと思った。初めに出した退職願いは理由がないからと課長から突き返された。その後、上司が変わり、少し居心地は良くなったけれど、一旦辞めたいと思うと、止まらなかった。もっと何かがあるのではないだろうか、そう考えた。 Continue reading resignation
I am the wind. However flimsy it is. I leave marks. However small they are. The tiny leaf that wasn’t there before, it is the trace of my footsteps. I stir the scenery. However superfluous it is. Blue turns gray. The stars spatter. A pupa metamorphoses. I am the wind. However inept I am. Continue reading i am the wind
Our high school sat on top of the hill and was one of the best in a small city in Japan at the time I was attending in the 80’s. In October, over a two-day period, they had an annual cultural festival that was open to the public. Each class came up with a program. Some had exhibitions for science or history research. There … Continue reading quiz show
I used to envy my little brother. He is a boy and will succeed the family name. They indulged him as such, and he got his way most of the time. When our grandparents came to visit, they brought presents for us. I waited for mine while my brother first got his, a toy airplane. They handed me a stuffed animal. A pink horse. … Continue reading a pink horse
I am still looking for my place in this world. 時々、説明するのがもどかしくなる時があります。こんなにもわかってもらえないのが、わからなくて。 For The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge, Place in the World. Continue reading who i am
